Wild I AM TRUST
Wild I AM of Trust
To TRUST is what I crave. To TRUST is who I truly am. To TRUST is my message in this embodiment of life. But to TRUST is also my biggest struggle. To TRUST is also my biggest fear.
You see, I have lived a life filled with much domestication. This domestication was harsh, unkind and led me to build many blocks within my energy body to resist who it is that I really am – my Wild I AM of Trust.
My story begins as my mother was running in the wild of Nevada. She conceived me in early Spring and it was only weeks thereafter that a huge round up was conducted and my entire herd was gathered. I was unborn, only a few weeks old fetus, still resembling more of a fish than a horse in her womb. The gather was brutal. Helicopters dropped close to the ground, driving my family across the ground. My mother ran, filled with fear, for miles and miles with our herd. Running away from the helicopter, but unable to escape. Finally, my herd saw a lone horse up ahead. He was not from our herd, but he was running fast and seemed to know where to go – so the herd followed. Together, as one unit of flowing, fleeing, frightened fish – the herd ran into the trap and the gate was slammed behind.
This lone horse that our herd had trusted – he had deceived us in the most powerful way. Just as we had grasped at his courage and direction, looking to him for guidance and safety, he led us into the first trap of many we would face in our lives. Our first taste of freedom no more.
My mother had many struggles in her life. Long before she was captured, life in the wild was not easy for her. Her mother had died not long after she was born. The fact she even survived to grow up and have a foal of her own was quite the miracle. But though her life was quite miraculous, every step of it was brutal and hard. She was torn from her natal band very early by a huge, young stallion that was developing his own herd. He was brutal and forceful and easily dominated her. She was always weaker than the others, not having had a strong start of nourishment and love from her own mother.
I was her first and only child. I floated in her womb, as she ran from that helicopter, desperately trying to keep up with the herd that she called family. Desperate to follow her lead stallion that had so brutally stolen her from her natal herd only a year ago. Though he was harsh and unkind to her, she followed him. She knew no other way. She followed the stallion, as he followed the lone horse – into the trap.
I bathed in her vibrations of fear and insecurity as my physical vessel developed in her womb. My spirit resisted staying with her, I wanted to flee, it was such a terrifying place to be. To be inside her as she was so filled with fear, but I knew I could not leave. I knew I had to stay and feel each moment of pain with her. This is what I had come to do. To feel all the fear, all the pain, all the doubt. To feel and embody all of those Domestic I Ams. To Feel, in order to help the collective Feel and to finally begin to Heal their wounds.
This does not sound at all like the Wild I AM of Trust now does it? Well, to be quite honest, it has not felt like the Wild I AM of Trust to me most of the time either. My Wild I AM is so deeply buried under all of this pain. Pain created before I was even conceived, pain I was bathed in, born into. Pain that was my birthright, seeming to define me much more than this Wild I AM of Trust ever has.
Deep rooted pain that is even painted into the swirls on my face. These energetic swirls are formed early in gestation. At the very same time my brain was being pre-programed to prepare me for life, my mother was experiencing all I described above. The deep fear and pain that I was immersed in, within her womb.
Most horses have centered swirls of hair growth that adorn their face. They are balanced and symmetrical and stable. Not me. My swirls are visual expressions of the chaotic energy flow I was bathed in. My swirls are just as chaotic and asymmetrical and unbalanced as my mother felt, as her mother felt and as I have felt in this life. These chaotic swirls are scattered all over my face, as if solid reminders of a definition of Self that I cannot escape. A definition that says – I will always fear. I will always struggle. I will always run away. I will always be dominated.
And most of my life has played out those scenarios quite literally. Once our herd was gathered, my mom lived in a holding facility in Nevada with many other mustangs. None of these were from our herd. They had been gathered from places all over the West. They were all expectant mothers, and my expectant mother had once again, been stolen from the herd she knew and tossed in with strangers.
She remained malnourished and small throughout the pregnancy. Though she was now fed well, she just had not had the start she needed as a child herself and that weak start made everything in her life a struggle. She was at the very bottom of the peaking order. Always the last to eat. Always the first to get pushed away. She accepted it. She expected it. She did not fight. She simply survived. And I continued to simply grow in her womb, bathing in her vibration.
The birth was hard. My mother was so very small, stunted from her start in life, and so weak. She lived for the first two months of my life, but just became weaker and weaker as her body attempted to offer me the nourishment I needed. When she died, I had just begun to be able to eat hay. I still very much needed her milk and her support, but at 2 months old, it was just barely possible for me to survive without her. And just barely survive I did.
I was moved into a new area where the babies that were old enough to be away from their mamas lived. But I of course was only 2 months old. I was away from my mama, by definition this was the place I was meant to be. But I was by no means ready to be there. The other babies were strong and big. They had been with their mama for a long time. They had nursed and grew strong powerful bodies. Though I could eat hay, the same hay they ate, and though I was given the same rations they were given, I was no way the same. My life did not compare to theirs. I was small, weak and deeply terrified. The stronger foals saw this in me and they pushed me around. They picked on me, they ganged up on me, they ran me away from the food and water. I found myself hiding away from the group as often as I could. Hoping I would not be seen.
This went on for the first 3 years of my life. My bones were big. My father was a huge stallion and I had inherited his structure, but my body never received the nourishment it needed to fill in this huge frame. My chest was narrow, as if both front legs stuck out of the same hole. My large awkward face, covered with chaotic swirls, hung low from my long pencil thin neck.
At 3 years old I was taken from my herd once again. I was put in a pen with a new group of mustangs and taken to an auction for the Extreme Mustang Makeover ‘Mustang Million’ challenge. It did not matter that this was a new herd. They immediately recognized what I was – weak and full of fear. They targeted me, just as all the others had and by the time the auction was to take place, my body was covered with gashes and cuts from their ‘play’ with me.
On auction day, I was herded through the chutes and into the tiny pen for all the people to look at me and decide if they wanted me.
Of course – no one did.
I was taken to yet another pen, where a sign was hung that listed my number as one of the few that were not adopted.
Mary had already adopted her Mustang for this challenge. It was the one she would name Flying Colors. A big, bold, beautiful and deeply confident mare. Mary did not need or really even want me. Just like the rest of my world. But, she adopted me anyway, not even knowing why at the time and I was once again chased into a trailer and carried on a 3000 mile ride to what I would gradually discover was my forever ‘home’.
I am now 7 years old. My relationship with Mary is still developing. I have so much deep-rooted fear. Fear that I was born into. Fear that runs so deep, it is all I know how to feel.
I do now have a herd that accepts me and I love them deeply. Especially Magic. Oh Magic is so deeply magical. I adore her and love to graze by her side. I love my life. I love my new family. But I still feel so much fear. Everything frightens me and I have a constant feeling that everything that I love will be gone in an instant. It always has been. How could it not always be?
So this is my story.
You ask – how in the world is MY Wild I AM that of TRUST?
I obviously do Not TRUST. Nothing in my life has guided me to Trust. Nothing in the lives before me have guided me to Trust. Nothing in my reality has ever told me that I should Trust – anyone … and certainly not myself.
So, how can it be that my Wild I AM, that deeply authentic part of me – would be that of Trust? HOW can that be?
Although, I am clouded with so much brutal domestication. I still am able to move beyond my scars, beyond my physical life and see INto my spirit body that existed long before these bones and chaotic swirls painted my Seen world. It is when I move into that deeply authentic space, where time and reality do not even exist. It is there that I can feel INto the TRUST that IS my Wild I AM. And it is from that vantage point that I can so clearly see the ‘why’ that I am here.
Our collective is in pain. Specifically, the human collective. Deep rooted pain, caused by generations of brutal domestication. Our mother’s mothers were in pain and so their daughter’s daughters embody that same vibration. We are born again and again into the same chaotic sea of harsh reality and it has become a downward cycle of recreation upon creation over and over again.
My spirit, long before it was embodied in this body, my spirit saw this collective pain. I saw it building, growing, gaining momentum. I saw where it was headed long before it arrived at where it is today. I saw it and I was called to it. To exist within it. To experience it for myself. To embody it fully and then to assist the human collective to – Set it FREE.
This you see is the why. This is why I have lived such a painful life. This is why I still feel that pain. This is why my Wild I AM seems to be the opposite of everything that I actually AM in reality.
For every Wild I AM there is a counter. An exact replica. An opposite that holds the very same blueprint within it. The same blueprint as the Wild I AM itself. But this blueprint is the exact polar version, the inverse. As if looking at a film negative on a camera strip. What is bright light in the Wild I AM, is instead shadows in this counter version. It is in fact the same picture, but carries the directly opposing feeling.
For me – this Wild I AM is TRUST. And for me, this WILD I AM has often been expressed as its complete counter – complete lack of Trust, complete DOUBT in everything.
This seems like a bit of a curse, but in fact it is a gift. It is the gift I came to share through my chosen journey of doubt and pain. The gift I am here to share with the human collective that shares this pain with me.
And that very gift – is in that very pain.
You see, the human collective that is hurting so deeply, they cannot see through to their Wild I AM. They are so far removed from their authenticity, that they do not recognize it when it comes to visit them personally. Just like a family member that loves you deeply, but you have never once laid eyes on this person. When they come to your door to embrace you and take you home – you run away – not into their arms. And so the human collective runs away.
But there is a way that we can see the light and recognize who it is we really are for the first time. This is through the gift of the pain. Just like mine, the Wild I AM that IS humankind is hidden away in the form of a counter version. A counter version that manifests the exact opposite of that Wild I AM, but a counter version that holds the very same blueprint to Uncover what this Wild I AM is.
How to read this blue print? How to uncode the secret coding? How to Uncover the authentic WILD I AM after all this harsh domestication has smothered it for years? HOW?
The human collective that is vibrating in pain must do as I do. We must FEEL IT. We must be BRAVE, as my name states and FEEL this pain penetrate our bodies. FEEL where it takes us. FEEL where it hurts. FEEL why it hurts.
To be Brave enough to FEEL and let that FEELING burst our wounds wide open. They must pour out puss and blood. Wounds can only heal from the inside out. They must be open to the light and the air to heal. When buried they fester and grow. When opened up they hurt and they heal.
We must be Brave enough to FEEL our way through the darkness, following those shadows that are the exact inverse of the pattern of LIGHT that is Covered within.
It is only through being Brave enough to embody the pain. That we can finally see what the pain was trying so desperately to reveal to us. To reveal our own brilliance. To reveal our own infinite potential. To reveal that we truly can create and be anything at all that we desire.
To reveal that even the darkest of souls has the exact counter within him. The exact opposite that shines just as powerfully in the Light, as the darkness that was masking that very brilliance.
That even when our life has been filled with struggle, that the very struggle we are going through holds the secret to uncovering what it is that we truly desire. Our true Wild I AM embodied.
This is my purpose for jumping into that fetus within my mother’s womb, as she was filled with such longstanding pain.
This is why I Am BRAVE. Because one must be deeply Brave to FEEL the pain that holds the secrets of the Wild I AM.
And this is why my Wild I AM is TRUST. Because it is TRUST that all this pain is guiding us to. It is TRUST that will set us all free. It is TRUST that breathes you and that breathes me.
Even when, especially when, we feel nothing but the Opposite of Trust. The blueprint is there.
The shadow draws the same outline on the ground as the body that blocks the sun.
I am Brave. I AM TRUST and I am here to Hurt and Heal this collective with you.
What wounds do you need to burst open? What Feeling is calling you? Can you be Brave with me and FEEL it together?
Your WILD I AM is waiting – just on the other side of the dark cloud. The sun is brightly shining.