What Love Feels Like …


(original date of post Dec. 6th, 2017)
I want to share with you what this love feels like. Colors is the beautiful Mustang with the long flowing mane in this video. This morning her spirit flew free of her body. It is hard for me to share the news of death. I do not desire pity. I do not wish to hear “I am sorry”. I dread the heaviness that our human mind attaches to death. But I share anyway. In life and in death, this amazing Mustang is pure unconditional love. That love must be shared. It is too vast to keep it all to myself.

If you feel sorrow, then cry with me. My tears that normally stay locked away, have flowed with grace and love today. Cry with me, but please do not tell me you are sorry. There is nothing to be sorry for. This Mustang is a gift. Her life is a gift. Her death is a gift, as death is simply the gift of new life in disguise.

I must start with a dream I had just last night …In the dream I was mourning for my childhood horse who had passed away. In the dream, I so craved to still have him here to share the same gentleness with my children that he so willingly shared with me. I was filled with longing for something I once had, something that was now gone. There was such mourning and sadness in the dream…. and then – All of a sudden, out of nowhere – I saw him! He was right there with me. His bright red coat sparkled as he watched me from an iridescent green pasture. I stood there with my mouth dropped in shock and attempted to take in the reality that he was still here and apparently must have been here all along. Where had I been, I wondered? How did I not know this? I felt a bit cheated, as I realized I had been so blind.I was still freshly saturated in that feeling of shock and awe and – I woke up.

Only hours after I awoke from this dream I was faced with a reality I would have never expected. It was Colors, one of my Mustang partners, she is so very much like my childhood horse I had just dreamt about. (Colors is the Mustang with the huge flowing mane in this video.)

The reality of my morning – Colors’ body was dying. (to those that must know ‘what happened?’ She had a very severe case of colic that progressed lightening fast. I made the decision to have the vet assist her transition.) As the vet gave Colors a series of drugs to help her spirit ease out of her body, I sat in the dirt beside her. I placed one hand on her face and the other on my heart. With my eyes closed, I saw my childhood horse standing with me. I saw us together in a circle of powerful love and light. I felt the desire to silently chant ‘I receive I receive I receive’ as I had an awareness that this death was actually a birth.

A birth I was meant to receive fully, as the spirit of this Mustang transformed my own. I felt a breath of warmth touch me as Colors moved fully out of her body. I felt a swelling within, as if something had moved into me. I opened my eyes and looked at her body and she was gone.

Her body is now buried in the same earth as my childhood horse that appeared in my dream.

I cannot see her anymore. I cannot see her long flowing mane. I cannot see her soft kind eyes. I cannot see her, does that mean she is no longer here? I cannot see the wind, yet my blindness does not limit its power to move the branches of the trees. I cannot see the waves of sound, yet my blindness does not limit the music that arrives on my ear. I cannot see the sun from a midnight sky, but that does not limit its ability to light up my night through the glow of the moon. I cannot see the air that I breath, but that does not limit its ability to send oxygen to my lungs. I cannot see the gravitational field, but that does not limit its ability to hold me grounded to this earth.

No, I cannot see her, just as I cannot see all these other things. Will I choose to be blind, just because I cannot see? NO. I will not live my life like that first part of my dream. Living in sorrow of what once was. Blind to the reality that what once was has never left me. Blind to the reality that he is still with me, that she is still with me. I refuse to walk through the rest of my waking life blind. I refuse to limit my experience on this earth to only what my limited human eyes can see. I refuse to be blind when I was born to SEE.

Yes, I SEE. I cannot see her, but I SEE her.

I SEE her not only in memories, but in the life that I live today. I SEE her in the life I am destined to live tomorrow. I SEE her in my transformation, as it was Colors that carried me from my desires to compete and win to my desires to serve and guide. I SEE her in the transformation of our farm, as we move from a private home with a closed gate to a non-profit Mustang Sanctuary.

I SEE her in the entire Mustang herd, as it is her vast unconditional loving kindness that we are meant to share with this world together. I SEE her everywhere I look forward. I SEE her in everything I desire to be. I SEE her in every part of me. Yes, I SEE her. Yes, I SEE me. Yes I SEE.

If you have read this I want to send you my heartfelt love and gratitude. If you want to comment, but are struggling with how to not word it ‘I am sorry’ … may I offer a suggestion… instead of telling me you are sorry, tell me you will strive to SEE. Tell me you will not live your life blind, when you were born to SEE.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Tell me you SEE.

– Mary & Flying Colors

videography by Ivy Schexnayder
Neverland by Travis Van Hofffeaturing the Mary Miller Jordan and the Wild Mustang Guides

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