This was originally written and posted directly on FB Jan. 12th, 2021

Do not mistake my sadness for weakness.
Do not mistake my hope for ignorance.
Do not mistake my ‘love and light’ – for an inability to stand up for what is right.

Do not mistake my truth, for something that fits more easily in the paradigm of your mind.
Do not mistake me, for something you think you know.
I do not claim to know what is your truth, for I have not walked in your shoes, but I have surely walked in mine.

And I claim them. I claim my dna. I claim my life I uniquely live. I claim mine.

And this heart of mine, that I so boldly claim. This is what I speak from. And this heart of mine, oh does she have a lot to say … we are just getting started … more to come, feel free to unfriend if it offends … or feel free to stay… as long as you feel free. …

We shall start with a word that is paraded around like a campaign sign, as a campaign sign in fact. Three letters that have been distorted for the toxic use of power for far to long. … GOD.

I know this God and what I know has nothing to do with power over any people, any side, any polarity.
This God I know, from our most intimate relationship, in my very own heart. … This is the most loving God that I could have never even imagined, until I pushed my own door open, to the inside, and discovered this God personally, this precious, precious Loving, Living God that beats our very own heart.

God so overflowing with Love, that I can hardly use these three letters as a pointer anymore –> G. O. D. … as they have become far to distorted by the painbody of humankind. Such deep distortions we have so cleverly created, that humans have fallen blind to our very nature, that we are nature. And in doing so, humankind has forgotten we are innately kind… and in our forgetfulness, we have made true our very own distortion of the me seperate from the you.

A painbody so massive that an entire collective of “White Humans” cannot accept the fact that they have hurt an entire collective of “Black Humans” … yet neither are actually that color and yet all are terrified of one other …

And so the reality of racism in this country implodes as pain is cast at pain and no one gains anything … And yet no one can stop, because the wounds are now ripped open and they refuse to heal from the outside in…. and rightfully so.

But to heal from the inside … the wounds know what must first come. They have lived much to many lifetimes to forget, that they must be truly heard and fully seen – to be certain this injustice will finally stop – because it has not, and so they will not … and so they Shout…. aching for long overdue compassion, for acknowledgment of the pain, for recognition for these deep injustices … but the painbody is so deep in both sides that White Privilege rages in the face of the demand for compassionate grace, raging as it grows even more blind to its own obvious advantage. Its own painbody so thick that it cannot see past the veil that hangs over its eyes.

We all have a painbody. The underbelly of our collective is gutting itself all around us, as if it is something to be proud of.

And all along God is fiercely loving us, softly holding us, kissing our tears and our screams and our blows at one another. God Loving us, As us. From the deepest point within, where we no longer can even point a finger to get any closer. Loving us. Just as we tear One another apart. Loving us as the One Heart.

But the painbody is too afraid to let our guard down for even one moment, to be open to something that might be different from what all the others say.

And so we hurt. Inside.
And so we hurt. Others.

I have a painbody. And it hurts. It hurts like the most terrified child that is trembling in the corner, begging not to trigger anyone … begging not to challenge anyone … begging not to speak her truth …. this F-ing crazy truth that God is in fact Good and loves ALL of us. Loves ALL of us .. the nazis and the slaves and the sinners and the saints. My painbody shaking in her own skin at the thought of speaking what she knows so intimately as real and true. Speaking it out of her heart, out loud, for the whole world to hear … and rip apart.

Of course my painbody would be terrified.

Witches were burned for this.
Jesus was crucified for this.

LOVE.

My painbody is terrified to speak my truth.

But I no longer mistake my fear for weakness.

My fear, she is my own dear precious beloved and I hold her in my arms and I remind her that I am finally ready. That we will not hide anymore. That I have created my own sanctuary for us, right here inside my One Heart.

Love lives here.

And I am no longer afraid, to be afraid.

– mmj