I have been making a conscious effort to wake up with a positive outlook for the day, but this morning was tough. I was feeling the stresses of the upcoming weekend. Thinking of all the things I needed to do – yet knowing I must ‘be still’ as much as possible as I do them.
The horse show this weekend that I produce is one of the only things I did not cancel when I learned I needed to slow down this pregnancy. I just felt there were too many people that have been looking forward to it. This is something I truly do as a service. I cannot show there myself, because I produce it, and, as the producer, there are aspects of it that I do not enjoy – but I love to see and hear how our shows lift up others and I am thankful to say that they are many “Champions” out there now – carrying that proud label thanks to our event. To help someone else become a “Champion” is a gift to me as it is to them.
Regardless of all the positives – I was feeling negative and immediately I started to have flashes of things people have said or done in the past that I took offense to. I kept trying to push them away, to replace the thoughts with good ones and they kept showing back up anyway.
I know better than this. I know this is detrimental to me and to my alignment, but dad gum it – I get stuck anyway.
I lay there in bed, trying to think of how to NOT dig a deeper hole and I thought back to last night.
About a month ago FK (my daughter) had found some caterpillars, they were the very same kind I played with as a kid and it was so neat to see her excitement as they crawled all over her. She was gentle with them, but desperately wanted to keep them as pets. At first I thought we should not – because often ‘pets’ of this sort do not make it in confinement, but after researching it I saw that we could in fact raise them and even be able to watch them spin a cocoon and turn into butterflies!
We researched what type of leaves they needed and got them some small branches from the water oak trees. That very day FK’s grandma came to visit and had bought her a perfect little critter house. Perfect size for the caterpillars! I researched what kind they were and discovered they would turn into adorable fuzzy moths – not butterflies at all!
Only a week or so later the first one made a cocoon! It was so exciting – and even more exciting when in another couple of weeks a beautiful little fuzzy moth emerged! She had crawled out of her cocoon and was just sitting on the mesh on the cage. Not trying to fly. Just sitting there, still.
Last night we set her free. It was amazing to feel her flutter around in my hand as I gently carried her out of the cage. As I opened my hand she took off! Those little wings went from zero to 100 miles an hour in a flash.
How did she know how to do all of that? She knew how to eat the right leaves that she needed as a caterpillar … she knew how and when to make a cocoon and transition to an entirely different type of life form. The cells of her body knew how to disassemble (to become much like stem cells) and then reassemble into this entirely new being. She knew when to crawl out of that cocoon and stretch her wings to fill them will fluid and then she knew she could only fly when she had the proper space to. So she just waited. Patiently – not crashing about – hurting herself – she just sat there still. Once she had room – she knew it and she flew – as if she had done it for a million years.
On top of all that, research shows that moths remember their lives as caterpillars! She is not some machine. She is a living being – a miracle if you ask me.
How could she just KNOW to do all of that?
I lay there pondering this in bed and FK started to stretch. She made this face where she stretches her head way back and looks just like she did as an infant and I smiled. She has always been herself, she knows just how to be who she is. She dances the same in front of a crowd or all alone – she knows how to live. She does not work hard to figure out how to live, she just works hard at living. Just like that caterpillar.
I stared at her in awe, thinking about how brilliant she and that caterpillar are and how much I want to be like them and about that time I felt a huge kick from the baby in my tummy … and then another and another ….
It dawned on me that, even though I may not always maintain my highest alignment – I am doing this too. My body is growing this child. If she was to be born right now she would have to be in a hospital in intensive care, yet my body knows exactly what she needs and provides it for her. She knows exactly how to grow and develop. Just like that caterpillar knew.
It is so hard to be in this world, yet not be manipulated by this world, but it is entirely within my control. I feel it happen now and recognize it better than before. All it takes is one negative thought and the flood gates open. Anyone that has ever offended me or hurt my feelings seems to get a front row seat to my pity party as I get to watch them enjoy my pain. It seems ridiculous when I KNOW I have so much to be thankful for – that I allow this to happen. The thing is – sometimes I just do not know how to STOP it from happening. I know I cannot “Not” think something – so I must replace the thoughts instead, but sometime it just does not work.
Thankfully this morning the caterpillar worked. Reveling in my admiration for her alignment guided me back to my own. Sometimes it takes visualizing the brilliance of another being to realize that the same brilliance is inside of me.
Just like that new beautiful moth, my wings know how to fly.
Just like that moth, they know how to patiently wait and be still.
Just like that moth they will know when my door is opened and they will flutter so fast and so hard that it will seem as if they have been doing it for millions of years. Perhaps because they actually have. -mmj